I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
