Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
