Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
