So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
