Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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