The maid of honor just puked.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dignity is for republicans.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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