omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We were destined to go to rehab together
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
