Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
