Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
