You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
