I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
