dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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