pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
