it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
