Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
