Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
