Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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