I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
What drink are we having for lunch?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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