I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
