Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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