It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
