Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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