just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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