Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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