just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
