My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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