what day is it and did you see me today?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
