Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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