I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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