i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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