i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
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But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
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pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Such a big mess for such a small penis
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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