she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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