When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
