I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
