awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
