I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
