you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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