Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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