he fucked my hip out of place.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
