I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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