just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
