My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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