Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I have aggressive nipples.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
