the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
