Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
