Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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