well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
