I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize