I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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