I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
