My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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