you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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