Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
