It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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