she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
