If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
