So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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