i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
