pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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