Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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